Level of expectations we carry with us is a huge double contact. We expect that the partner will fulfill all our needs, will be there totally for us, understand us, support us, we will listen to any subject that is unthinkable to go with us everywhere we ask, will help us through thick and thin, poverty and happiness. In a sense we adopted, together with all of Western culture, the Christian tradition and the concept behind the members swear oath – a pair of Christian wedding ceremony, in addition to joining the romantic element to strengthening it further century – 20th: romantic love and the expectation of falling out of the blue we solve the all problems at once.
these expectations outdated time in front of the test of reality: they do not fit into the world of freedom and equal opportunities, stimulation of an abundance of recreational and technology boundaries. They do not match washed materialistic world, taking place at a dizzying pace. They fit the periods in which a man and woman need each other to meet the difficult task of establishing a family unit and concern of its existence. Where the pace of life was slow, and processes took time. Which had to really work hard to survive, there was no time (and money) to the nonsense. Which people did not live all – so many years, until they had finished filling the biological roles – they were at the end of their lives. Families lived in those periods wide, not as individuals, relationships was a matter of economics – social bargain for everything. If there was love – all the better. If not – no one moved it. It’s not that there was love, or sex (sometimes quite free), but not necessarily within the marriage. And it was before – so long. 100 years is nothing insignificant in human history. Today we expect relationship, you’re everything, you fill all the roles, all of the victims, and it’s just unreal.
when two adults get together, they have a life of their own: they have occupations, friends, hobbies. But when a double bond, it is expected that with your partner to do anything. If your hobbies, or your friends do not like them or her, you must / A to abandon them. When will you have time for him / her if you keep Busy with other things? And if you meet quite a lot of daily contact, if the complaint is still not answer the phone immediately, or do not want to see today that are busy with other things. We know Shlsolat have other occupations, as ours has, and still expect him available 24 hours a day. Ahplfunim and the Internet have contributed to the point, though one of the benefits of these two tools you can send a message and know it gets you win the comment. But why an immediate response? And if the person is not sitting at the computer and saw the message? If Ahplfon closed for one reason or another? Before checking? Straight offended. And if you try to check? Straight blame: Why did not you answer me a message I sent? Why had not heard from you two? It does not matter if you said the last conversation that you have absolutely urgent work, your child is sick, your mother in a hospital or you are studying / A test is important. In contrast, the second Achsahced deal with, it seemed only natural that you thought s and wait for this article, even if just at that moment you came to talk to him or her. So what? You can wait. He / she is not.
But this is just the tip of the iceberg. We expect that the partner will be perfect meet all our expectations. That’s impossible, and we understand this, and yet expect, emotional and spontaneous reaction can fight arising from the disappointment we feel every time we encounter a situation where the spouse does not meet the need for this absurd, we know that far-fetched and yet adhere to it.
situation This problem reflected the eternal question: Why not? Why not tapped the dishes last night? Why did not you put the clothes instead? Why not washed my shirt I asked Wash me the other day? Why were not you nice are my parents were here? By the question is clear that the other side did not do something that was supposed to do. But who ruled that he must? The only questioner. Questioned the usually responds to resent, anger, indignation, an abundance of negative emotions that makes us attack or blame, or what we perceive an attack or accusation. We must protect yourself, and meet once in the same currency, thus deteriorating very quickly what a fight.
The question “Why not?” She asked, standing behind her disappointment that the partner has not fulfilled the Cipiotanv, also completely false expectation to try to bend the other side behave exactly as we want him to act. In other words, will the expectation and prevent the disappointment. This question conveys the message that the other undercover failed expectations, which further highlighted by the negative word “no.” What lies behind is the desire to give expression Laachazaabtanv, at best, or change the partner, at worst. But what we get is exactly the opposite, causing the snow to roll into a ball and only worsen the state of relations.
pay attention to several times a day you ask the question “why not” your partner, your children, your parents. Never mind if you ask that question other people, far more, the level of expectations are much lower. For example, the boss at work will probably not ask such a question, or the neighbor you meet the public park. And if you catch yourself, try to think what would happen if you change the standard indicator in question, to express what you feel and what the other side did. Instead of saying: “Why were not you nice when my parents were here?” You could say: “I feel my parents did not enjoy were here, baby. I’m sorry you did not feel comfortable.” Or rather “Why not tapped the dishes last night?” You can also say: “You know I do not like to be left dishes in the sink … if you say wash the dishes, I ask that you leave them until tomorrow morning.” The attack takes place a request, and it has been perceived differently on – by the other side
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